OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Randomize
