Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
