thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
