Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
