Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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