My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
