Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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