I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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