I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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