and you said cock pushups were impossible
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
