i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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