I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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