if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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