He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
