meet me or not, i'm out of control
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
