I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
