Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
