she woke up with a sticky ear
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
