you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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