i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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