Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
