She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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