I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
