Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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