I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
pop tarts are not kleenex
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
