the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
