U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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