Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
