The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
