matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
