You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
my being single is dangerous.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
