You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
