my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
What drink are we having for lunch?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Randomize
