She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
