I will die if light touches me.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
