It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
