I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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