Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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