he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
