i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
