Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He's on the porch naked. Help.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
