i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
