dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
a search helicopter?!
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
