Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
