At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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