Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
