Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I checked into jail on foursquare
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
there is glitter all over my balls
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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