when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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