I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
