Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
