yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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